I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Bit chilly again tonight.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.