[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
You Might Also Like
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.