Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.