I love the National Park Service.
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Ron is short for Aaronald
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.