@ParaJanitor: I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
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@dysondoc: Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."
@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
@Moi_RaRa: How much to learn the thriller dance moves? "Ma'am... this is senior citizens Zumba class!"