Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
nobody’s gonna understand
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The Book. The Movie.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.