I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
You Might Also Like
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I only treason on days ending in y
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?