I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My first child will be named New Folder.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.