I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Squirrels before girls.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.