I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Spa day..😅
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together