I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
You Might Also Like
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”