I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*