@SweetTweetsBRO: I love when I'm walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It's like she knew I wanted to race all along.
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@Reverend_Scott: COP: Know why I stopped you? "Drag racing?" COP: Nope. "Speeding?" COP: Definitely not. "Cuz I'm on a unicycle?" COP: That's the one.
@mrtruthandsoul: [3 AM] 5yo: *sobbing* Daddy Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what's wrong? 5yo: I'm lonely... Me: Then, don't ever get married. 5yo: Ok, Daddy.
@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside??? Dog: meh Me *falls asleep* Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.