My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Stop sending me this shit.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
A game married people play.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?