Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
You Might Also Like
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.