I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets