I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…