@NotGaryBusey: I love when people say "If people hate you, it only means you're doing something right." Because that's what Hitler would say.
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@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@MelvinofYork: If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
@sarcasm_inc: HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR 911: Sir, u need to pull over WHAT 911: Use your other ear, sir WHAT
@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal