You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You Might Also Like
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Well, this explains it:
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.