I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never