@The_MartiniGirl: I love when people tell me to get my act together and I'm like who the hell is acting geez.
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@DurtMcHurtt: Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it's my trackpants. Who's house is this?
@flashember: [Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@Ygrene: Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant Me: *not sweating* Cop: well shit I don't know how to read this