I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
This was my dad’s browser history.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store