[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.