I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?