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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”