“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO