@The_Sculptress: I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.
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@TheToddWilliams: [apiary] ME: Are you the beekeeper? BEEKEEPER: Yup ME: Can I get some? BEEKEEPER: Nope ME: Is it because you k— BEEKEEPER: I keep them
@Ristolable: A guy I know just posted "I'm relaxing today, don't bother me" on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I'm not
@KevinFarzad: If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.
@Sassafrantz: Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.