@The_Sculptress: I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.
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@Brampersandon_: [pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
@autocorrects: You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
@DannyZuker: I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.