“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”