I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
79.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The pen is writier than the sword.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.