-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.