I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Teach your children to beatbox
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet