@aPunch2theJunk: I work with a guy named Rick. I'm pretty sure he spells his name with a silent "P."

@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what

@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I'll take your finest orphan. "Sir, we can't just give-" Here's $50mil. "Do you like boy acrobats?"

@iamrandomape: SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery [me 3 months later] I think he had a brewery

@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.