@thesupergrobi: I love you so much, I'll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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@aPunch2theJunk: I work with a guy named Rick. I'm pretty sure he spells his name with a silent "P."
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what
@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I'll take your finest orphan. "Sir, we can't just give-" Here's $50mil. "Do you like boy acrobats?"
@iamrandomape: SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery [me 3 months later] I think he had a brewery