I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
smartest karate player in the world
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I saw nothing
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.