I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
But I really needed water water water
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?