“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
crazy
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.