“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.