I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
How all things should be taught/explained.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
This probably isn’t good
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way