I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.