I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
B
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Saint West, the patron of selfies