I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.