The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
this could fix me
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN