I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”