@mollzbenn: I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."
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@dshack8: My kids can't hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?
@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.