doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*gets down on one knee*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE