My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Introverted vegans go meetless
The game has officially changed 😎
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*