I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
dutch so unserious
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.