I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that