I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
You Might Also Like
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I hope it’s French Onion!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.