I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.