I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes