I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.