I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.