@Rollinintheseat: I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar? Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.
@shawnspree: Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?
@BerrryDLite: Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend. Me: Thanks but I'd rather not hear about your sex life.