I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?