@Sassafrantz: If you go to the zoo and he doesn't help you steal a monkey, he's not that into you.
@Love_bug1016: [first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven't put my phone down in 5 years.
@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
@LaLuchaNix: Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
@DeronH: A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"
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