I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.