I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography