I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.